A Little Bit About Me: Beliefs

So, I’ve been thinking, and I figured that if anyone is ever going to read any of this, they might as well get to know a little bit about me. But I don’t want to just go on and on about my name and age and where I’m from, because, well, does any of that actually matter? That doesn’t really tell you much about who I am. I tried typing out all of that stuff and there was just no substance, and that’s not what I want. Nobody really wants to hear any of that stuff anyway- there’s no meaning to it. So instead of just listing off the basics, I’m going to tell you about the things that matter to me, like my beliefs and passions and dreams.

I’ll go ahead and start with my beliefs. I don’t believe in a god, or at least I don’t think I do. Religion doesn’t really hold any use for me, and though I’m sure many people disagree, I don’t think that makes me a bad person. Sometimes I wish I was a religious person, just so I could have someone to believe in and feel like I could rely on, like maybe it would make things easier. However, part of the reason I can’t bring myself to believe in a god is because I know of all the bad things that can happen to people, and I refuse to believe that if there was some all-powerful person out there, they would let the world would be destroyed the way it has been. I know that there are plenty of arguments against this, but nothing has convinced me yet.

However, I’m probably contradicting myself when I say do believe in something. Not like a religion or anything, just something. It’s not a person, either. Maybe, like, the Universe? I guess? I don’t know. I definitely believe in fate. And signs. Like everything that happens in life is meant to happen. I’m sure that sounds crazy, especially since my whole speech about not believing in a god. I don’t know how to define it, and I doubt I’ll ever be able to. Whatever, though, it is what it is. To me, there’s not really an obligation to give any more of an explanation- I just don’t have one.

Also, on kind of a side note, I’m an astrology follower. I’m sure that a lot of people reading this, if anyone is, are rolling their eyes right now. But it’s true- I’m a wannabe spiritual little hippie who truly believes in the stars. If you’re into astrology, too, or if you’re just curious, I’m a Libra, among other things. Everyone has several signs in their chart- that’s just my sun sign. Anyway, I’ll stop boring you with my crazy beliefs now. I just thought that maybe someone would want to know. And even if you don’t, well, now you do. Oh, well. That’s just a bit about me. There’s definitely more to come.

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Blogging and Mental Health

So, here’s where we get down to the nitty gritty. I didn’t make this blog simply because I want to indulge more in writing. Don’t get me wrong, that’s an important part of it, but, like most things, this is multifaceted. I’m also doing this for the sake of mental health.

Something you don’t know and probably should- I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It feels so weird to say, or type, I guess, and I’m not really sure why. I think that maybe a part of me is afraid of how I come across, like just another teenage girl full of angst. Actually, I know that part of me is afraid of this. I have been since it all started, and it’s like I don’t want to admit it because I don’t think anyone will believe me. Is that crazy? Am I the only one who feels like this? Because for so long, it’s stopped me from sharing things about myself that I want so badly to be able to. And I hate that.

Anyway, that’s why I’m doing it here. I have been using a journal recently, and I really like it, but I think maybe it would be nice to talk to actual people about what’s going on. Although, I still find myself afraid. I don’t want anyone to think I’m doing this for attention- I’m not. I hate even thinking that it could appear that way; that’s the exact person I don’t want to be. I also don’t want any pity. I’m not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want to share my thoughts and feelings and say what I need to say and I’m hoping that I can do that here. I’m also hoping that maybe, just maybe, somebody reading this can relate and feel just a little bit less alone. I want people to feel understood just like I want to be understood. Whether or not this blog could ever do that, I don’t know, but the mere possibility makes it worth it.

Anyway, that’s just a little peek into my brain when it comes to the deep and dark. There’s more, and I’m sure you’ll see it later, but don’t fear, there will also be light. I have all these opinions and beliefs and dreams I want to get out there, and it’s important to me to share those, too. Like I said, almost everything is multifaceted.

Blogging and Writing

I feel like there’s more to say. There always is, right? So here it goes.

I started this blog less than a few hours ago, and honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing. But I’m doing it. This reminds me of something that Gandhi said, that whatever we do in life will be insignificant, but that it’s very important that we do it. Robert Pattinson’s voice from “Remember Me” is the one in my head when I think of this quote. I think I agree with Gandhi, and maybe that’s why I’m doing this, why I made this blog.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want out of life, and I know that doing something creative with it is important to me. I think this is something I’ve always known, even if there were times I wanted to suppress it due to it’s lack of practicality. I’ve indulged in a few artistic hobbies- guitar, ukulele, drawing, sketching, painting, and, most importantly at the moment, writing. I’ve always been good with words, and it’s probably because of how much I love what they can do, which, in my mind, is everything.

You know, I used to want to be a writer. I don’t know if that says much- I used to want to be a lot of things. However, I come back to writing because out of all the things I’ve tried, this, being creative through the English language, has been the thing I’m good at. I never felt successful in anything else, like whatever I was creating held any sort of meaning. I was never satisfied. But, with this, I feel like I could be. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to prove it here, to any of you, but I at least hope this makes me happy. I hope that here, I find some sort of fulfillment. And who knows? Maybe there will never be future for me in writing, but I’m here to find out- is this what’s going to make me happy?

Hey. It’s me.

Hi, there. So I know I should probably start off by telling you my name. But, to me, that seems a little too basic for this platform, so maybe I’ll mention that later if you haven’t already figured out what it is. I’m pretty new to all of this. I mean, the only reason I’m really here, writing to all of you, or more likely, none of you, is because I think it’s what I need. I’m sure it’s what a lot of us need. And I really don’t want to screw this up.

As I sit here, doing just a little bit of typing and even more pounding of the backspace bar with my middle finger (ironic, huh?), I just keep thinking that I don’t really know what to say. I mean, do I begin by telling you my life story or try to remain mysterious for now? What kind of illusion of myself do I want to give off? But that’s the thing- I don’t really want it to be an illusion. I want it to be me. I want it to be real.

Maybe I’ll tell you more about me and my life later, because now just doesn’t feel like the right time. Thinking about it, I don’t really feel the need to hash everything out in my first post. However, I will try to put the basics in my bio for anyone who is curious. Hopefully, somebody is.

Anyway, that was the spectacularly dull intro to this blog, my blog. Welcome aboard.